Getting Your Shit Together When Your Wife is Pregnant

Flirting With the Waitress at Applebee's isn't the Best Move in the First Place; Even Worse When Your Wife is Pregnant

‘All roads lead to Rome’ rings very true in this space. There are numerous ways a guy can fuck up his relationship to wind up with a wife that won't fuck him, cheats, is a fucking battle-axe or all of the above. Luckily, most guys fall into a small handful well traveled paths that there is a general road map one can follow while simultaneously customizing it enough to live his own life the way he wants and not as some sycophant to some online grifter or guru.

Most guys have the same issues: unable to enforce boundaries, lack assertiveness, riddled with covert contracts, let their game slip (or never had it at all), light themselves on fire to keep others warm, aren't in shape, deferred authority to their wives and other similar issues. Don't kid yourself, getting your shit together takes hard and consistent work; it's not something watching a few YouTube videos and going on some men's retreat where you align your chakras while chopping wood is going to fix.

Overcalibration

For guys to hit the Overton Window that guys who have their shit together operate in, they will undoubtedly overcalibrate. It is 100% normal and, to a certain extent, required. The guy who has never done anything for himself has to become an insufferable selfish asshole to calibrate back to a self-interested man that shares his value with the people he cares about. The weak fat fuck is going to become obsessed with his gains, body fat percentage and appearance before he chills the fuck out and settles into being a fit hot guy. The guy who lacks assertiveness is going to act like king-shit-leader-of-men for a while before he learns when being assertive is required and when patiently observing is the better option.

Every guy will have their different things. Most of us have the same things. And everyone is trying to juggle multiple things at once which makes the process even more arduous.

Luckily, most guys have time and leeway to overcalibrate. A dead bedroom can't get much worse and if your wife is on the verge of divorce or cheating, the relationship is already dead. For most guys their wife (or in some instances soon-to-be-ex-wife) makes a wonderful sparring partner. They know all your flaws, insecurities and what buttons to push. If you can gain a level of attractiveness where she starts fucking you again, is more pleasant and willingly follow your lead, you can be pretty certain you are on the right track. And if she isn't, but other women are chomping at the bit to take her place, you can also be assured you're on the correct trajectory.

The Problem with Pregnancy

How people respond to you is an excellent barometer to track your progress, but simultaneously it can't be what guides your actions. It's like marketing. Not everyone is going to buy your product (that product being you), in fact most won't, but if your reach is 100 potential leads and you are getting a lukewarm response from 10, you don't change your strategy to lock in those 10, you change your marketing strategy so that you get 70 lukewarm responses and 15 hot leads.

What this looks like is the cashier that once didn't even look you in the eye is now bubbly and pleasant with you, coworkers are more friendly with you, people want your time and attention more than they did and women give you glances they never did before. Congratulations, you're becoming an attractive man.

Like I said before, before you get to this point your are likely to overcalibrate and couple that with your most direct feedback being your wife, for better or worse, you are likely to calibrate moreso on how your wife responds to the new you more than any other person. I'm not saying your wife should be your primary feedback input, but for 99% of guys this will be the case.

Even if your wife turns out to be a dud, most guys will find their wives at least suck a little bit less once they start making substantial gains in getting their shit together.

None of this applies to pregnant wives.

Pregnant women are fucking terrible barometers to judge your attractiveness as a man on. Women are at their most vulnerable when pregnant, their hormones are all over the place, neuroticism is at an all time high and they are scared shitless of abandonment.

A boundary that once took removing your attention and affection for the afternoon now takes a side eye and just opening your mouth as to speak but not having to. The amount of reassurance you once provided in levels that made her pussy drier than the Sahara, now makes you “such a caring husband”. You being a fat fucking slob now becomes the loveable poppa bear.

A guy who already has his shit together can easily calibrate for a pregnant wife: up the reassurance, turn down the anxiety causing behaviors that make you fuckable and enforce boundaries with a softer hand. Get in the pocket. No problem.

However, for the guy just learning to get his shit together this can be a clusterfuck. He's consumed a lot of material for the average guy, and as most guys are lacking in attractive behaviors that cause relationship anxiety, he overcalibrates with a pregnant wife and wonders why she is in fucking hysterics. His barometer for the level of comfort and reassurance required to maintain a long-term relationship is also out of whack. As previously mentioned pregnant women are terrified of abandonment during pregnancy, and what reassurance is required during pregnancy is going to be far too much once those hormones go back to normal.

If your goal is to be a guy who fucks, pregnancy is the worst environment to calibrate in.

What You Can Focus On

Fortunately or unfortunately for men, there is a lot more to getting your shit together than being Chad Thundercock. In fact, because it is best to focus your work on other aspects of yourself, you can potentially build a solid foundation quicker than other guys. Being fuckable is just one aspect of being a guy who has his shit together. As most guys come to this space because they aren't fuckable, that's usually forefront in their minds, but that isn't the best approach for the guy with the pregnant wife. That can come later.

Boundaries

Boundaries are important despite what phase of life a guy is in. Learning to enforce boundaries and being able to discern whether you actually can or not, is essential for a guy getting his shit together.

Pregnancy is one of the absolute best arenas to cut your teeth in. Every fucking person in your life is going to attempt to tell you how you should treat your pregnant wife, what you should be doing, how you should spend your money, how often you should see the grandparents, etc. The protective instinct to care for pregnant women and newborns is how our species survives, but that also comes with everyone wanting to protect said pregnant woman and eventual newborn by telling you what you should be doing. People will shame and browbeat you all for the ‘good of the baby’.

You will never get an opportunity like you do during pregnancy to set boundaries, both in volume and relationship. You will have family and friends all overstepping their bounds. Take advantage of it.

Kill Covert Contracts

The biggest killer of relationships is resentment. Resentment comes as a byproduct of a covert contract. Kill them. Kill them again. And kill them even more. Covert contracts never go away, you just get better at spotting them and quicker at nuking them.

As you learn to kill covert contracts, you'll begin to see them in others. Pregnant women and new mothers have a shit ton. So many in fact, that it would be impressive if it wasn't so frustrating to deal with at times. But as you gain experience killing covert contracts you also gain experience in using various tools to remain steadfast against manipulation. You learn not to give a shit about the covert contracts of others. It's not a you problem. Not how they react to you blowing up their covert contract or the tactics they employ in an attempt to have you fulfill them.

However, both of these take…

Assertiveness

This one can be a bit tricky with a pregnant wife, but assertiveness doesn't have to be harsh, just steadfast. There are various tools like fogging, negative inquiry, negative assertion and broken record that can be used to assert yourself. If you are getting in the reps from doing the aforementioned, you will have ample chances to practice using the various tools appropriately for the circumstance.

Have Your Shit on Lock

Becoming a parent is a game changer for most guys. It can be scary, come with an overwhelming sense of responsibility, be stressful, joyous, fulfilling and everything in between. And whatever you feel as a man a pregnant woman carrying her first child is going to feel those same emotions and more all mixed together at once and ramped up to a thousand.

I've seen it too many times to count. Men have a bitch of a time actually being able conceptualize being a father until the child is birthed and our behaviors reflect that. Women have a much greater head start than we do as they are literally fucking growing the child inside them— and the disparate nature between these two experiences can cause women a lot of anxiety and trust issues.

If you have your shit together, that anxiety and mistrust goes away pretty quickly once the child arrives. However, if you freeze like a deer in headlights and start deferring all responsibility for your child onto your wife, that's how you get the ‘bitch that is trying to take the kids from me’ should you get divorced.

Scorched Earth is a wonderful mental model that is used to help men take control of their life and family (should they have kids) that is generally executed when a marriage is on the way out. It asks a man to organize his life the way he would if his wife was dead. It forces a man to get his shit on lock and can also be used during pregnancy.

Ask yourself, if I were to know for certain that my wife was going die in childbirth how would I organize my life to take care of everything myself?

You're unlikely to hire a wet nurse and babysitter the first week, so it isn't going as far as Scorched Earth, but the structure is similar enough to be useful. Take care of getting the nursery ready, adjust the household budget, learn how to care for an infant, common illnesses and how to deal with them, etc.

You want to be competent.

You may be really good at your job that makes you $250,000 a year, but that doesn't mean shit when your baby turns blue and isn't breathing.

Don't get me wrong, for the first year, as a dad you'll be relatively hands off compared to your wife in terms of care, but ensuring you are able to take over when required, to be a safety net, is invaluable to any woman caring for an infant. That also includes having the household running like a well-oiled machine so she can focus on childcare.

Don't get this twisted. You aren't a servant. You're not attaching the plowhorse covert contract to this thinking that you'll be appreciated for your efforts and have a problem-free life. You are doing this as you are captain of the ship and the ultimate responsibility is on your shoulders, so organize things to your standards to create the environment that everyone under your care is in the best position to succeed.

Conclusion

I get it. You may have had a dead bedroom until your wife wanted children, then she fucked like a pornstar until she confirmed pregnancy only to close the sex tap off even more tightly than before. However, trying to calibrate to giga-Chad at this time is likely to produce results that won't be beneficial longterm.

I'm not advocating for not hitting the gym, not learning game or not doing anything that would make you more fuckable. What I am saying is your calibration is likely to be skewed with a pregnant wife at home and there are very important fundamentals that can worked on in the meantime. It's not that time isn't allocated towards building those skills, they are just not beneficial to make the number one priority at this time.

You'll have lots of time to become Chad Thundercock. Spend this time working on enforcing boundaries, killing covert contracts, becoming more assertive while refining your use of the tools to do so and getting your competence to a level that your wife (and eventual child) can trust that you're the man, come hell or high water, they want in any difficult situation.