Leave the Tough Decisions for the Man You'll be a Year from Now

It isn't Wise to Nuke your Relationship Impulsively

New year new you, amirite?

Packed gyms, fringe diets, starting therapy, higher productivity at work, learning a new skill, finally getting around to playing the guitar that has been in closet for six years. New Year's Resolutions are bountiful this time of year, and in 60 to 90 days will all be dropped for a return to comfort. Changing behaviors is hard. Too hard to follow through on. Until next year, that is. When the performative declarations of a “new you” begin again.

Such is the case for 90% of the population.

However, there will be that 10% that makes a consistent change, and in that 10% will be men who have had it with the status quo, and amongst those men some will blow up their marriage in spectacular fashion— to those men, I say “wait”.

The Tale of IAmSteveMcQueen

Long lost in the annals of the internet, but remains alive as a cautionary tale, is that of IAmSteveMcQueen. I'm sure I, and others, will screw up the exact details, but much like any allegory, the details matter not, it is the lesson to be learned that is important.

Like many men who came before, IAmSteveMcQueen found himself in the depths of a Reddit thread looking for answers so he can fix his marriage. And like many men, he missed the point entirely. Looking for easy solutions to a complex problem, he did the bare minimum and allowed zealousness to take hold. He did some reading and “fixed” himself; he identified the problem as being his bitch soon-to-be-ex-wife and prepared (poorly) to end the marriage and find a younger, hotter replacement— and that he did.

Against the warnings of nearly all others in the thread who told him that he was not ready, he assured everyone that he had it handled and set out to nuke his marriage and find a replacement.

He found a replacement as he said he would. Boisterous with pride, he regaled the random internet assholes with his tale of success. His new girlfriend was nothing like his bitch ex-wife, to which those random internet assholes responded, “we'll see”.

Six months later IAmSteveMcQueen posts a thread eerily similar to his first. His amazing, nothing like his bitch ex-wife, is acting exactly like his bitch ex-wife.

His zealousness lead to acting impulsively. He was like a white belt who learned how to punch properly for the first time and thought that prepared him for an open belt tournament— he got his ass whooped accordingly.

Patience and a Better Strategy

People get complacent. Couples take one another for granted. The transaction that kept both parties happy falls apart. I've written enough about that, I'm not about to rehash it here.

Point is, if a marriage is going to survive and thrive (and that is a big “if”), it starts by fixing the man and that takes time. It takes time for your physique to improve, it takes time to eliminate covert contracts, it takes time to internalize better mental models, it takes time to restructure your life so that you, and you alone, have everything on lock. It takes time to absorb, internalize and execute all there is to learn. As Rian Stone once said, “it's dressed in overalls and looks like work”.

I have yet to see a guy put in consistent work over the course of a year and not improve their life. I have however, seen my fair share of men who put in the 60 - 90 day “New Year, New You” work only to disappear and if they resurface later, do so with the same fucking problems.

Below are the three things I suggest every man in a miserable marriage do prior to making any hasty decisions while putting in the vast amount of work it can take to “fix the man”.

Use her as a sparring partner

She's there. She isn't fucking you. She's a pain in the ass. Who better to practice everything you are learning?

She is like the final boss. She knows all your weaknesses, triggers and how to push your buttons. If you can go toe-to-toe with her, you can go toe-to-toe with anybody.

Most men don't want to leave their marriage. What they want is the sexy, playful girl they fell in love with. She may be long gone, but at this point she is there right infront of you. So why not practice? The marriage may not survive, but you can get your reps in. You can practice passing shit tests, you can practice navigating her emotions, you can practice flirting, you can practice separating sex from intimacy. Even if you have full intentions of leaving her in the dust, you can practice.

Plan for divorce

Whether or not you do divorce, having a solid exit strategy in place is key. You wouldn't go to war without a solid battle plan, would you?

Talk with a lawyer, ask for what you want and pare down accordingly.

There is no need for anyone other than your lawyer and yourself to know about this. It isn't that you are getting divorced; you are planning for the worst.

Knowing the likely outcome from finances to sharing custody puts a lot of men at ease. A legal professional will be able to assess the situation and given no unforced errors, give you a good idea as to how things are likely to pan out.

From there you can start executing. Separate the finances, move assets, become more involved with the children, keep records of communications, etc. You are not leaving your wife, you are merely putting yourself in a position that should it happen, you will be fine. Which leads to…

Operation Scorched Earth

Operation Scorched Earth in a nutshell is having everything in your life on lock so that you, and you alone, have everything running like a well oiled machine. You act as though your wife is dead.

“Wait. How do you do that while simultaneously using your wife as a sparring partner”?

It is a fine line to walk, but essentially, you are separating your marriage into two groups: the relationship with your wife and household management.

You are going to take care of the logistics yourself. There will be pushback, but that is where you switch to using your wife as a sparring partner. In your mind you are a single dad (if you have kids) and she is an annoying roommate you might bang on occasion.

There are a lot of moving pieces, a lot of mental models to switch between and a metric fuck-tonne of calibration.

Do not kid yourself. This is work.

Making the Tough Decisions

Fixing the man doesn't happen overnight. It is a long arduous process. Even those who put in consistent work find themselves faced with the biggest covert contract after about two years. It is so common it even has a name: The Two Year Dancing Monkey Improvement Program.

However, assuming you have put in the work, you will notice things have changed. College girls flirt with you, the household is running on all cylinders, you may have even gotten a 20% pay increase and hell, that miserable bitch may be fucking you while showing a glimmer of that girl you once fell in love with.

Whether you stay or go, this is the man you are now. The man that can stay married and loyal, ditch his wife, get a side piece, whatever. This is the man that can handle whatever life throws at him. This is the opposite of IAmSteveMcQueen.

This is the man you leave the tough decisions for.