Merry Christmas motherfuckers!
For the holiday season, I am giving out the goods like Ol’ Saint Nick. The following is not a comprehensive list, but it will cover a lot. It is not an instruction manual as how to, or when to, apply the following. It is a quick guide to refer to. It is for the guys diving into this material for the first time or have a fucked up understanding of the following because they learned from some shitbag grifter.
All killer, no filler. Let's begin.
Shit/Fitness Test
A Shit Test or Fitness Test simply put, is the push back or bratty behavior you get from a woman whereby she, consciously or unconsciously, double checks your intangible attraction signals.
It is usually, but not limited to, poking at your confidence and bravado to see if you fold. Think of the following statements you may have heard from a girl:
“You think you're hot shit, don't you”?
"I bet you say that to all the girls”
"What makes you think I'd be interested in you”?
Tone can range from obviously flirty to almost downright bitchy, which is why many men mistake a girl acting like a cunt for a shit test. Indignation and emasculation are not the same as a fitness test. Luckily, they can be handled the same way. Words are just words and boundaries exist to separate yourself from behaviors you won't tolerate.
Comfort Test
When girls seek reassurance in a relationship they may throw out a Comfort Test. Many times a woman won't directly address her needs, rather she'll subtly throw out hints. Generally, she'll address her feelings leaving room for you to fulfill her needs (remember, girls want a guy who just gets it).
“I'm feeling lonely”
“I miss you when you are away”
"I'm feeling unloved, recently”
"I feel like I don't have a voice”
Providing reassurance, a hug and a kiss on the forehead goes a long way in these situations.
Shitty Comfort Test
Fuck me, do these suck.
Some girls know how to address and take accountability for their feelings. Many don't. Which results in the dreaded Shitty Comfort Test. When a girl wasn't raised to know how to address their need for comfort and reassurance, they tend to ham-fistedly try to seek it by being a fucking bitch.
Furthermore, rarely have these girls learned to take accountability for their feelings and thus their anxiety about the relationship is your fault.
They are very similar to a Comfort Test, but the projection of her feelings are cast onto you in an attempt to defer responsibility of her emotions.
“You make me feel so lonely”
“You never spend anytime with me”
“You don't love me, do you”?
“You never listen to me, I might as well not exist”
Compare these examples to the ones above. They address the same issue, but do so in a completely different way. Moreover, they commonly coincide with poor behavior. It is a lashing out because they never learned to address their needs in a healthy way.
Just Being a Cunt
Sometimes your girl is just being a cunt. When men first learn about the aforementioned tests, they tend to treat every interaction like one of the above. Many times a woman's bad mood has absolutely nothing to do with you. Her feelings aren't your problem and her throwing a temper tantrum isn't your job to fix. Enforce boundaries if required— pull your attention, affection or commitment commensurate to the transgression.
Fogging
Fogging is one of the many tools that you can use to navigate a woman's emotions. I find it best to think of Fogging as a way to validate a girl's feelings without accepting them as truth.
Feelings afterall, do not exist outside of the individual. They are 100% subjective and intangible. Many times a girl just wants you to acknowledge and understand her feelings; not necessarily to do anything about them.
“I understand how you can feel like that”
“I see you're upset”
"I get it”
“Fair”
Think of the meme with the girl who is bitching about the nail in her forehead and her boyfriend attempts to make her aware of the situation only to be met with hostility.
Fogging would look like this:
“I can understand how it would suck to constantly have a sharp pain in the head”
She wasn't looking to have her issue solved, she was looking for her feelings to be validated.
Negative Assertion
Negative Assertion is a tool to acknowledge a grievance or feeling without becoming defensive. Furthermore, it doesn't mean your behavior is required to change. It is merely accepting a criticism honestly, openly and without shame.
Example A
Her: “I hate that you always leave to go to the gym immediately after dinner”
You: “That is a pain in the ass for you, isn't it”?
Example B
Her: “Every time you try to fix the toilet yourself it becomes a bigger issue”
You: “You're right. I'm not very great at plumbing”
It is always worthwhile to listen and judge whether or not there is any merit to the criticism then decide whether or not corrective action is required.
Negative Inquiry
Often girls will get into a fucking mood and attack like a rabid honey badger. Negative Inquiry is a tool to tease out legitimate criticism from emotional word vomit. This isn't a tool to be snarky, get defensive or be passive aggressive. Tone matters.
Example
Her: “I can't believe you! How could you be so inconsiderate”?
You: “I don't understand what I might have done to upset you. Could you try to articulate what it is”?
Her: “Every day you come home from work and blow right by me like I don't matter”
You: “When I don't acknowledge you when we haven't seen one another all day, it upsets you”?
Again, Negative Inquiry is a tool to tease out the grievance or criticism against you without becoming defensive or acting like a snooty twat.
Broken Record
This is probably the most simple tool to understand, but the most difficult for guys to follow through on. It is just as it sounds, it is repeating yourself as many times as required. It is a battle of attrition. If the answer is “no” it will repeat like a broken record until the other party gets the hint.
Amused Mastery
Amused Mastery is the ability to remain calm while under provocation. It is the proverbial shit eating grin. It is to be unfazed, too stay aloof and certainly not give a shit unless you have to.
Many other tools can be used while applying Amused Mastery. It is less of a tool than a demeanor. However, it is something that a lot of guys require practice with.
Agree and Amplify
Agree and Amplify is a tool whereby you agree with an assertion and amp it up to such an absurd level that the aggressor appears like a fool. It is meant to be lighthearted and to demonstrate the absurdity in the original assertion.
One of my best friends is a master at this and has been since high-school. I can't tell you the amount of times I have seen him disarm someone just by taking things to the extreme.
Aggressor: “Dude, you are such a fag’.
Agree and Amplify: “OMG! I know right? My jaw is so tired from all the dicks I sucked last night. I’d take you up on your offer, but your dad asked first and I only have one spot left open for tonight”.
The idea is that not only do you not give two shits about the assertion, you are going to take all the power away by agreeing to an absurd level.
Cocky Funny
Cocky Funny is just as it seems. It is a response that has an edge of playful arrogance. It is a part of being aloof and unbothered. It is a great tool for dealing with Shit Tests.
Her: “How many girls did you hit on before you came to me”?
You (with a shit eating grin): “How many girls are in this club right now? That, minus you”.
You're not doing stand-up; no one needs to be amused except for yourself— do it with confidence and you get Cocky Funny.
DEER
Defend, Excuse, Explain, Rationalize. When pressed, many people will supplicate, trying to justify themselves to others.
For men, this is a very unattractive behavior. Furthermore, when you stop justifying yourself to others and become the judge of your own actions, you become a lot less suseptible to manipulation.
DEER is a simple acronym to remember when either in the moment or reflecting on an interaction, to help guide you in eliminating unattractive and validation seeking behaviors.
Covert Contract
A Covert Contract is an unspoken expectation put on another person.
As Dr. Robert Glover wrote in No More Mr. Nice Guy, the covert contract of the “Nice Guy” is:
"If I am good, then I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life”.
Or universally, as I wrote in Covert Contracts:
“If I do X, you'll do Y, thus playing your part to fulfill the fantasy in my head”.
A simple example of a covert contract is the expectation of sex after paying for a date, or even the unspoken expectation that putting on a dress and make-up equals a free meal and drinks.
Frame
Frame is a tricky one. It's like porn: I can't describe it, but I know it when I see it.
Rian Stone describes it best as, “Frame is not something you have, but who you are”. It is the way we perceive the world around us and thus guides our decisions and behaviors.
The best example I can give is a very personal one. I am very much the head of my family; the bucks stops with me. There is a lot of responsibility that comes with that, but also the commensurate authority. That was projected outward from the moment my eldest child came into this world. They are very much MY children and they are a part of MY family.
This Frame is so strong that multiple times in my life, the mother of my children has said that she feels like the kids are mine and she was just a vessel— to which I assured her that is absolutely the case.
It is a part of who I am and thus influences every decision I make and behavior I exhibit as a father and head of the household.
AWALT
All Women Are Like That.
Obviously, every woman is going to be different, but when pulled out to the macro scale women share common behaviors. Girls like to think they are the exception to the rule, but while there may be certain aspects of a woman where this holds true, more often than not they are just like every other girl.
This is a simple mental model to remind men that women aren't special nor are the issues that arise from a relationship with one.
The Thousand Foot Tow Rope
The Thousand Foot Tow Rope is a mental model that describes the phenomena that many men who are in a less than stellar relationship experience once they begin to get their shit together. It is rare for a woman to wholeheartedly accept the change in their man as genuine right away. It takes some time for women to accept the change, and if they are willing, get on board.
As a general rule of thumb, if a woman is going to get on board with the change (which is not a guarantee), it will take about one month for every year they have been in their current relationship.
Like I stated at the beginning of this post, this is by no means a comprehensive list. There are many mental models, concepts and tools available to a man looking to improve his relationships. However, what I provided should be a decent start and I encourage men to keep reading, learning, practicing and internalizing.
On that note…
Happy holidays, you fucks! Enjoy your time with those you care about and I'll see you in the new year.
Cheers,
Stripper.
The one told in “The shittiness of "shit-tests"” article by Andy Nowicki definitely goes into the Shitty Comfort Test folder.
This sounds like games high schoolers play. Maybe just don't date emotionally immature women.