A Better Analogy: The House Party

The Secret Society Redux: Part II

It is not required to read my prior post, but it is valuable to read, or at least know the concept of, The Secret Society by RSD Tyler and my criticism of it.

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I was still in high-school the first time I went to a Fraternity party. I had worked with a a couple of guys in the Fraternity and, along with another co-worker whose cousin I was dating at the time, was invited to attend.

The party was no different than any other house party I had gone to except everything was dialed up to ten; more people, better booze, hotter girls, louder music and it was themed. Being under age at the time and a male was an interesting experience. Every other guy there was a least a year or two older than I was. However, I did see a bunch of girls my age; many of whom I knew as we went to the same high-school.

I drank, I socialized and I ate a Twix bar out of some chick's tits. At some point I caught the glance of one of the guys in the Fraternity I knew and he gave me the subtle “let's go” head nod. I knew that sign very well. I had been here a bunch of times before. It was time to get into some shit. I went upstairs, and like almost all house parties I had been before, girls and drugs were waiting for me.

Pretty much every party has two parties going on at the same time. The main party where people drink, socialize, make out, find someone to go home with for the night; and the upstairs party where there are usually girls who are down to fuck and drugs.

The upstairs party is invite only and you don't get invited unless you pass the vibe check. Shit is going to go down. Things that people do for fun, but are usually deemed too socially unacceptable. It can involve a whole host of things, but usually cocaine is involved. Some sort of sex as well. If not the outright act of it, the understanding that a girl or two wants to fuck and, while everyone is doing lines of coke off a jewel case, figure out who is going to do the honors.

A couple of things are understood when getting the invite upstairs.

1. Keep you mouth shut about what goes on. You have no idea whose reputation is at risk, what illegal shit may happen, who will be cheating on their significant other or who downstairs is going to get butt hurt that they weren't invited.

2. You need not partake, but you sure as shit better be cool with what is about to go down. I have seen guys flinch and be asked, “you cool, man”? Which is the final vibe check to see if you can stay. I have seen guys get booted out before and that shit only happens once because you'll never get an invite again.

The house party really is a microcosm of the dating scene in general and the invite upstairs that of The Secret Society. Nuclear Caudilo has a very similar analogy of The Mansion that differs from my analogy enough that it is probably best to let them each stand on their own. With that said, there are plenty of overlapping dynamics and I'm going to steal a line from him later on as it is fucking brilliant and the visual rather funny.

But first, a recap.

The Secret Society Abridged

For the sake of a quick recap: women, either by nature or circumstance (or perhaps both), are in a position where their ability to gain sexual and/or relationship experience is judged with a fair degree of scrutiny. In order for women to explore their sexuality, gain experience and have their needs met away from the greater majority of men and their judgement, an ingroup of sorts is required. A group that will not judge and protect the reputation of women while simultaneously meeting whatever sexual needs, kinks, desires, experiences that are sought. This is the function of The Secret Society.

The House Party

Imagine the greater dating scene as a giant house party where eventually almost everyone will be invited. Women are always welcome and freely opt into going. Men, on the other hand, are only invited if they are attractive enough. The bar isn't terribly high for men, just high enough that the prospect of eventually hooking up with a girl isn't out of the realm of possibilities. Some guys get there in high-school, some in college, others much, much later, but most guys do get there.

Typically the end goal of almost everyone at this house party is to socialize with the opposite sex (or same sex is that's how you swing) to find a person to leave the party with (read: long-term relationship or marriage).

While at this house party there is certain conduct that will take place that everyone there is aware of. This could range from short-term relationships, flings, one nights stands, etc. Very par for the course things that are to be expected when finding your person.

However, this house has giant windows on the main floor and a fairly open concept layout. This means that the conduct of everyone, especially women, is on display. A lot of guys on the main level are going to be watching other women, even if they are not currently interacting with them or preoccupied with another lady. After all, the mainfloor is typically where you find your person.

Furthermore, and this is where I'm going to paraphrase Nuclear Caudilo, you have the guys who aren't even invited to the party banging on the windows, shouting at Stacy to stop doing what she is doing. These men try to shame girls thinking that she'll go to the party, say “this isn't for me” and glady leave to find her virtuous loser outside the house party to go home with.

Every woman that is at this house party in under the watchful eye of most men both inside and outside the house party. Moreover, for the ladies that slip up and get a bit too wild, there is no shortage of women that will leverage the inevitable judgement that comes their way to usurp their position in the hierarchy of the greater dating pool.

Remember: men compete by being better than the competition and women compete by tearing their competitors down.

This dynamic puts women in a tricky spot. They require a safe space to explore their sexuality, gain experience and have their needs met away from the greater majority of men and their judgement. This is where the party upstairs (The Secret Society) comes in.

There will be men that don't judge and can keep their mouth shut. In fact, some of them may be into some pretty taboo shit and are at risk of being judged themselves. These are the guys that find themselves upstairs. There are no windows upstairs, but many, many doors.

Upstairs anything almost anything goes. This is where women are free to explore their sexuality, gain experience and have their needs met away from the greater majority of men and their judgement. There are many doors that can be walked through; swinging, BDSM, cuckold, foot fetish, threesome, tantric sex, gangbang, so on and so on.

Sometimes a girl may find herself upstairs having fun with no desire to walk through any of these optional doors. Sometimes they try a few, but it isn't their thing. Sometimes they find a niche that they really like. Regardless of what they do upstairs or how long they stay, it's cool. No judgement and discreet.

The guys who never make it upstairs may be completely unaware that it even exists. Some may have accidentally stumbled upstairs only to get kicked out because of their judgement or loud mouth. Others are aware, but either turn a blind eye or lie to themselves that it doesn't exist. Sometimes people meet upstairs and leave the party together, but seeing as there are so few straight men up there, it is certainly not the majority. More often than not, women come back downstairs to find their person and leave the party. Any questions or suggestion that she may have gone upstairs is quickly hand waved as “just a phase”.

What Can You Take From This?

Understand that women are sexual creatures, too. While they seeks relationships as a whole more often than men, they too want to have experiences that can take many shapes and forms. This doesn't make them a slut or a bad person; it makes them human.

Obviously, there is an Overton Window to everything and women who push themselves to the extreme end of this dynamic may suffer from underlying issues, but not necessarily so.

There is a lot of fun to be had if you shed your judgement and are the slightest bit attractive.

I would also, argue that it helps to mute whatever is left of your Madonna/Whore Complex. You stick around long enough and you'll see that girl that got a train run on her in the bathroom at a pool party, settle down with a good guy, start a family and have a normal healthy relationship.

A man's ego can be a mother fucker. The desire to claim a woman's sexuality for his own can make a man neurotic and extremely judgemental. Despite your best efforts as a man, girls just want to have fun; and they will, with or without your approval.

Furthermore, once a women does settle into a relationship, they are not going to be that nasty little slut with you, if you have done nothing but show her that you shame such behavior. If you pull that shit, you really are shooting yourself in the dick.

Understand, that whether you like it or not, this dynamic exists. The Secret Society has and always will be a thing. Regardless of how hard women push to remove sexual taboos, slut-shaming, etc. men will always judge and regardless of how hard men attempt to shame and vilify women for behaviors they deem unacceptable, women will do with their bodies what they want; thus the need for The Secret Society will always remain.