Covert Contracts

Dispelling Fantasies Part I

I knew that the concept of Covert Contracts had hit the mainstream self-help circuit when I had a female friend explain to me what they were. Afterall, I knew the concept of Covert Contracts was coined by Dr. Robert Glover in his book No More Mr. Nice Guy, which is a book for men to improve their relationships and sex life. So I thought it strange that a woman would know this term as the aforementioned book was not likely to be a part of her reading list.

I did a quick Google search and came across multiple self-help websites that describe what Covert Contracts are and how they can lead to resentment within a relationship when they are not fulfilled.

If I do X, you'll do Y and neither of us will speak of this contract.

Typical examples included things like taking a woman out on a date and, in doing so, expecting the reciprocation of sex. Or conversely, if a woman drops subtle hints and gets agitated, then a man should know how to meet her needs. And while neither of these are incorrect, they are incomplete. The concept of Covert Contracts is reoccurring in Dr. Glover's book, but I would argue that this single quote encapsulates it best:

"If I am good, then I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life”.

You have to remember that this book was written for men who are, as Dr. Glover puts it, ‘Nice Guys’. Men by nature fall into servitude of women quite easily. It's not a bug, it's a feature. The men who protected and provided for their women went on to have children, thus ingraining this instinct into men over the generations. As I have stated many times before, all relationships are transactional; each person in the relationship has specific needs to be met in that relationship, fulfilled by the other. The issue with ‘Nice Guys’ is that they are not honest, assertive or overt. Instead they fuck about being vague, indirect and timid with their needs, thus manifesting in Covert Contracts. And when said contracts are not fulfilled, resentment builds.

An Incomplete Translation

As I just said, while these websites are not wrong, they are incomplete. I have yet to see any website acknowledge the “problem free life” part of this quote and it is a very important part for two reasons:

1. It acknowledges that men create a perfect end-state in their minds.

2. By ignoring the idea that a perfect end-state is impossible, eliminating Covert Contracts become a Covert Contract in and of itself: If I eliminate my Covert Contracts, I'll have a happy problem free life.

Dr. Glover wrote his book for men, but women are riddled with Covert Contracts as well, which is more than Iikely why this concept has migrated into the ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ self-help space of spinsters and divorcées.

However, women are not men (shocking, I know). Women aren't wired to protect and provide for men (read: If I'm good), but they do have needs and desires (read: then I will be loved, get my needs met). This is easily translatable for both sexes by breaking down the original quote to its core idea that is being expressed: If I do X, you'll do Y.

But what about “and have a problem free life”? As previously mentioned this is incredibly important and, as far as I can tell, completely missed by the mainstream self-help gurus. In an attempt to translate this concept for everyone by isolating the root of what it is trying to convey, one-third of the concept has vanished, as is common with any game of telephone or surface translation.

As this was written for men, the “problem free life’ part of this quote at its core taps into the male drive for peace and resolution. Violence and conflict in men is usually a means to an end and not the goal itself. In fact, it is men who lack assertiveness and shy away from conflict who are likely to have the most Covert Contracts. Drilling down further to the core of this we can infer that a “problem free life” is the end-state fantasy of ‘Nice Guys’.

A proper core translation of this concept that is applicable to all would read:

If I do X, you'll do Y, thus playing your part to fulfill the fantasy in my head (and neither of us will communicate this contract overtly and clearly).

A Narcissistic Fantasy

Don't worry, I'm not about to claim everyone is a narcissist. However, we all are susceptible to a toned down version of the narcissist injury when we have built Covert Contracts, so it is important to understand, at a very surface level at least, what a narcissist injury is.

From The Last Psychiatrist:

The narcissist believes he is the main character in his own movie.  Everyone else has a supporting role-- everyone around him becomes a "type."

A narcissistic injury is you showing him that he does not exist in your life.

This definition is obviously for narcissists, but what it does have in common with Covert Contracts, and applicable to the majority of us, is that we all typically build a fantasy in our head. We dehumanize people as set pieces in our own little plays. We assign roles and a script to others, unbeknownst to them, and when they don't play their part our ego jumps in to protect us. This can manifest in a multitude of ways, but most commonly resentment.

Covert Contracts can take a myriad of forms of any shape and size. Small ones such as, I asked politely so they should do what I asked without any pushback to larger ones like, we're married, so my spouse will meet all my needs and we'll have a problem free marriage.

Nobody has to do what you ask. No one has to reciprocate. No one has to meet your needs. All relationships are transactional and many people gaslight and breadcrumb themselves holding on to a fantasy that does not exist, littered with Covert Contracts, building resentment as each one is broken.

At the core behind every Covert Contract is an unspoken expectation; a fantasy that you have projected onto another person without their knowledge. They needn't be grandiose, in fact when you begin to identify and eliminate Covert Contracts from your life, you find the majority of them are rather small.

There is nothing inherently harmful in having hope; to dream and fantasize. I would actually argue that these are positive things. The problem occurs, when you work towards them with the expectation that they will be fulfilled. You don't owe anyone a damn thing, but on the flipside, no one owes you shit. It is this lack of acknowledgement that leads to Covert Contracts, attempting to manipulate people into playing a role to fulfill the fantasy in your head.

If I do X, you'll do Y, thus playing your part to fulfill the fantasy in my head.

Finding and eliminating Covert Contracts in your life not only helps dispel resentment, but it also allows you to view a relationship objectively: am I getting a fair return of value for what I put into this relationship?

Without the ability to objectively view the value exchange you get from a relationship you set yourself up for breadcrumbing…

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‘Breadcrumbing Only Works Because You Have a Covert Contract’ will explore how people will exploit your own Covert Contracts for their gain; which I believe is a better definition of breadcrumbing.