Her Feelings for You are Irrelevant
Assessing a Relationship in the Abstract is a Fool's Errand
We learn in narratives. Stories we tell ourselves to explain the world around us. It doesn't really matter if they are true or not, they just need to be true enough. These narratives become mental models to shape our understanding of the world and thus our decisions/behavior.
When it comes to explaining female nature many mental models have arisen from a bunch of dudes on the internet swapping notes. As patterns repeat convergent evidence emerged. From that evidence some asshole wrapped a narrative around it and a new mental model was born.
Unfortunately, some of these mental models, while great to understand the nature of women on the macro scale, are not only useless when dealing with the girl right in front of you, but can be outright detrimental when ham-fistedly applied. When a guy attempts to assess his relationship, or lack thereof, in the abstract he ends up fucking himself instead of a girl.
Furthermore, when describing female behavior it is impossible not to incorporate their feelings into the mix. Women have a vastly different relationship with their emotions than men do; emotions are the guiding force of both their behavior and decisions. When a man frames his decisions and behaviors around a descriptive mental model of female behavior, he is essentially ceding his worldview to her feelings.
Some of the more popular mental models that have made it out into whatever constitutes the mainstream today are Genuine Desire, Hypergamy and that of the Alpha Widow. Each of them serve their purpose to give a high level overview that explains certain behavioral phenomena common amongst women. However, all of these mental models are talking about women in the abstract and, when you are face to face with a woman, do very little to guide your behaviors or decisions in a useful manner. Moreover, there are several underlying issues with these mental models when taken to an autistic level— I’ll address that in a minute.
First a quick recap if you are unfamiliar with these terms:
Genuine Desire - As Rollo Tomassi writes, “If a woman has genuine desire for you she will be interested enough in you, and have the desire enough, to know how to please you without you explaining it to her”. In a nutshell, when a woman is attracted to you enough (read: “in love” with you) she will go out of her way to find ways to please, and subsequently keep, you in her life.
Hypergamy - To quote Rollo again, “Hypergamy is a woman’s intrinsic desire to balance the best quality sexual/reproductive male with the best provisioning/parentally invested male”. Simply put, women are hardwired to aspire for (read: “fall in love” with) the best that they can get and keep for as long as required.
Alpha Widow - See a pattern yet? As Rollo writes, “When a woman misses the opportunity to consolidate on a confirmed, high SMV (sexual market value) male that man becomes the new standard for what she believes she can attract as a potential mate”. The example Rollo gives quite frequently is that of Jack in the movie Titanic being, at least in Rose's mind, the best that she could have gotten. The standard in her mind of what a man is and what she truly desires (read: “loves”). Hence, her pining for him decades later after a long marriage and many great-grandchildren.
Like I said, none of these mental models are inherently wrong or are detrimental in knowing. They only become a clusterfuck when applied to the nuance of an individual relationship— whether that is the girl you are eyeing at the bar or your wife of twenty years.
These mental models are exploring the behaviors of women as a whole and in the abstract. They, at times, can help explain the behavior of the woman in front of you, but not much more. They won't help you pass a shit test, learn to set SMART goals or get her pussy wet.
Rollo himself, who is responsible for the aforementioned mental models, has written numerous essays to reiterate and de-spurg the slop that some group of autistic fucktards have twisted these mental models into. In all fairness, it is easy to do. Not because of Rollo, but because of the inherent nature of these mental models combined with the more unsavory tendencies men have.
Before I tie all of this back into a beneficial mental model for you, let's get into the weeds using the previously mentioned mental models. The following are based on Field Reports I have seen from numerous guys and the underlying issues that manifested through a misguided understanding of the utility of these mental models.
Framing
Many men have a mother fucker of a time centering their life around them. It is not uncommon for a guy to express his situation in “she” statements. Everything he does, thinks and feels is filtered through the lens of his wife, girlfriend, mother, etc.
“She did”…
“She thinks”…
“She feels”…
When writing a Field Report, this is the first thing that gets beaten out of a man's head. How can he improve his own life when he can't even frame it from his own perspective?
It doesn’t take long for a guy to catch on and begin to write about his problems from his own perspective— kinda.
That is to say, he starts writing in the first person, but he has adopted mental models (most commonly one or more of the aforementioned) that are meant to be descriptive only and is ham-fistedly applying to his life.
You still run into the same issue. Your behaviors and decisions are centered around being her “hypergamous best option” or that she has “genuine desire” for you.
When taken to an extreme can lead to…
Neuroticism
A woman's emotions can change like the wind. Many times they have no idea why they feel the way they feel and have to talk it out to ground her feelings in reality. She doesn't really know why she loves you, she just knows she does— until she doesn't.
Basing your actions on whether or not that makes you her “hypergamous best option” (or any other such mental model) is a fool's errand. You can never truly know how someone feels about you; they can lie and deceive, not only to you, but themselves as well.
What matters is how you are being treated, her feelings about you are irrelevant. A woman can be madly in love with you and still treat you like shit; she can long for another man while simultaneously being loyal and treat you like a king.
Many times a woman's feelings will line up with her behavior, but that doesn't always have to be the case. When you focus on trying to change her emotions for your own benefit, you are shooting in the dark. You are trying to influence intent over results. You are framing your life like a chick, attempting to control how everyone feels about you, and like a woman, you will end up neurotic for it.
Validation Seeking
Why do you need her to love you?
This is a serious question that many men haven't bothered to ask themselves. If she is treating you well, why does it matter? If she is treating you like shit, are you certain her loving you will correct her behavior?
You needing her to love you is seeking her validation. It is an emotional void in yourself that you are expecting someone else to fill. Not only is this horrendous for your own mental health, it will inevitably be counterproductive.
Neediness is unattractive. Neediness is the colloquial term for validation seeking behaviors. Women don't want to be your emotional tampon. Even if they wanted to, due to their own solipsistic nature, they are incapable of it.
When you ham-fistedly apply descriptive mental models, like the ones discussed, you are deferring your agency to her feelings. You are trying to fit the narrative you built in your head, of what you think she wants, in order for her to love you, all so she will be the girl that treats you right. Fuck me.
Your behaviors will undoubtedly reflect this. You will act like that scared little boy seeking the love of his mother as not to starve or be left to the wolves.
You don't need her love; you need her to meet your expectations. Cut out the convoluted validation seeking behavior and get to the heart of things.
Covert Contract
Worst of all are the covert contracts that arise when these mental models are taken as prescriptive rather than descriptive, as intended.
“If I am her hypergamous best option, she'll love me, meet my needs and I'll have a problem free life”
“If she has genuine desire for me, she'll love me, meet my needs and I'll have a problem free life”
“If she hasn't been alpha widowed, I'll be good enough that she'll love me, meet my needs and I'll have a problem free life”
Many men get these covert contracts in their head. They are attempting to reverse engineer the work of expectations and boundaries by manipulating a woman's feelings towards him. It is just like the validation seeking behavior just mentioned. They aren't beneficial for you or the relationship.
Her Feelings for You are Irrelevant: Assessing Your Relationship Through Investment and Adherence to Boundaries
I have seen my fair share of guys who ham-fistedly apply these mental models in their relationship. I can't tell you how many times I have heard, “don't worry about genuine desire, look for investment”.
Outside of the issues I listed above, the reason why you look for investment and adherence to your boundaries is two-fold:
At the end of the day most men just want to be treated well. Just like when a kid negligently throws a baseball through the living room window only to excliam, “I didn't mean to”, intent is irrelevant; the window remains broken. And as such, so are a woman’s feelings towards you. Her positive feelings towards you may result in you being treated well, but it doesn't matter. Actions are what matter. Does she show signs of investment? Does she support you? Is she pleasant? Does she adhere to you boundaries? etc.
When you judge the health of a relationship (regardless of what stage it is at) on investment and adherence to boundaries, your mind is not clouded by what could be, but what is. Many men tolerate shitty behavior from women because of the prospect of how she may feel. Men convince themselves that the girl who likes him will fuck him, the girlfriend that loves him will treat him better and the wife that promised to love him forever will never leave. You don't know that. Fuck, she may not even know that. It's like handing a blind man IKEA instructions he can't read. All you can accurately assess is what is (actions), not what might be (feelings).
Different mental models serve different purposes. Not all mental models are useful in all situations or are to be used to guide your decisions. Genuine Desire, Hypergamy and the Alpha Widow are great mental models to recognize common behavior patterns in women and wrap a narrative around them, but they are addressing women in the abstract, they address sexual dynamics from ten thousand feet— they aren't intended for the grunts in the field.
Whether it is these mental models or any other that describe women in the abstract, remember that they are relatively impractical in day to day use. Too many men get lost in the abstract failing to see the woman right in front of them. Pay attention to what is right infront of you right now.
Does she invest in you?
Does she adhere to your boundaries?
Her feelings towards you are irrelevant. Remember that.
Its been a long while since I've ventured into the manosphere or whatever gay term genetic dead end nerds came up with but Heartiste was always the best reads.
"I love you" is an excuse to behave like a c*nt